Puppet with a Broken string

Letting go isn't easy.
Especially when it means watching your kid spreading out his wings and taking flight to a distant place.
A place so far away that you have to consider the time zones to call him on video.
Even though you know that his wings are strong enough and this letting go is inevitable...
I am not ready.. ....Even after all the six months of preparation.
I realize that I am malfunctioning.

I feel like a puppet with a broken string .

My home feels empty and I do not know how to fill the vacuity. The exchanges happening among us at home are largely robotic or stale .
I miss HIM ..THE BOY ...and everything about him
.
When it comes to showing emotions, he has taken after my Dad. He is restrained, which often borders between impassive and distant .The only living being on whom he showers his boundless fondness is towards our dog , Copper .
For us, the remaining humans at home, it is mostly smiles or a hug on the odd occasion. His response to "I love You " or "Miss You" is a grunt or "hmm" or something like ."''v you too"' with the first three alphabets compressed to a "v" sound.
I let him get away with it , because I know that being aloof on the outside is how we conceal the pain. The outward cool is just a way to hide the raging waves of agony from wrecking havoc on his composure .
I miss him...
He turns Switzerland when I argue with his father .. Running away with his " I am outta here " dialogue .
But comes back to chuckle when I win, even though he is a father's boy through and through.
The cords which bind him to me are unique and telepathic. He reads me inside out .
To hide things from him I need to think like someone else because he knows the intricacies of my thought process just like the way I know his.
He makes me the coolest in my generation through the tidbits I pick up from the conversations we have.
In his absence, I realize that he was my backbone, my support system, the reason behind my culinary festivities , the point for my perfect smile...
I am being ungrateful and unfair in a way . Because I am still held grounded by an unassailable cord of devotion . The one who worships me on a pedestal and proudly declares his status as a Momma's boy .
I will be healed by this little angel by my side , the child of my heart ...This I know.
As of now I am letting go the child of my head and reason .

The Enchantment of Cards

I was searching for a document among my old folders and I found these .

Cards and letters .These are just a part of a huge collection. This was what romance was all about in the 90’s . Yeah..we are the 90’s youth.

Cards were the thing then. They had everything we wanted to say , but not articulate enough to express. A card for every occasion ...even for mending broken hearts . Archie’s used to be my favorite place to visit and my contribution towards their annual profit is something worth mentioning. All in the form of cards, stickers , bookmarks and what not .

I can undoubtedly say that we had the best of everything . Our childhoods were spent playing and having fun outside. Our school and college years , spent building up friendships mingled with gossips in canteen and coffee shops .We did not have mobiles, but we sure had the time of our lives .Unfortunately we do not have selfies to prove it .We have only our cards and letters that we exchanged and an occasional photograph.(hard copy)

There are still people ,incurably romantic at heart ,who take lot of pain to make cards. Not the commercial ones .But hand made ones .They are the silver-tongued ones , who say exactly what they want to say with print out of selfies , tiny sketches of hearts and smiles and borrowed lyrics. I have a collection of them too ,more recent ones.

Cards would never be out of vogue .In one version or the other they will stick around, changing the heart of the one receiving it, to putty. (That is why , at school, we have card making competitions.)

Its Now ..Not Later

There are so many things in our daily routine , that we set aside for later.

From mundane things like organizing your wardrobe, to slightly more important things like getting your teeth filled .(From my procrastination list ...)

Sometimes it is just plain laziness or failing to prioritize.

There will be always time for completing the materialistic things on that procrastination list .

But what about the time that you are supposed to spent with your loved ones...? Your children..?

Recently I was walking home with Phinnaeus and we saw a father and his son playing cricket. Phinnaeus looked at them and made a pitiful sound which expressed all his anguish. I pulled him closer and before I was about to speak , he said,”I know...papa has to work..”

Yes..we all are working parents.We struggle from early morning till late night battling to keep that balance between all the roles we play out in our busy lives.

Where do we comprise..? At home..definitely...Home is the only place where we have people whom we can take for granted. Because we love them and we know that we are loved.We expect them to understand.

Our children are the ones who gets the wrong end of the pole. We dive headlong into work all the while reiterating to ourselves..”We are doing this for our kids. For their future ..”

We give them everything, other than our time and we call it love.

Our kids adapt to our availability and varied shades of parenthood faster than we imagine. They learn to fade away quietly or materialize , gauging our moods .

They smile less, talk even lesser .Find solace in games or going out with friends , depending on their age .

As parents , it is most important for us to remember that , our kids need us Now....not Later.

Now is the time to talk, to play , to read ...or whatever they want you to do with them.

They grow up faster than you can imagine .And they would need you lesser and lesser. Someday ..you busy parent ..your child might just turn around and ask you ...”Do you even Know? You were busy working all the time...”

It will be the time for regrets about all those little things that you failed to do.

It is vacation time for kids. They are at home for a month or so . The greatest gift you can give them is planning your day , so that you can spent time with them. A kid who has love , spreads love and laughter around .He learns to be compassionate and caring . We give them that Now , when it is still not to late.

I am only human afterall

I was listening to the song "I am only human " by Rag n Bone man and it set my thoughts on sail ..
Forgive and forget.
Easily said than done
You can say "I forgive you " or  "It's Ok ".  But letting go of hurt , pain and feeling of betrayal ..
It isn't easy for me .
The closer the one who hurt you ,the harder it is .
I am struggling to let go. It has taken a toll on my very being .
I used to be a happy person and now I am engaged in a constant battle with my amygdala which warns me of the danger of getting hurt, every time I try to be how I used to be .

Often our life becomes a charade which we act out, to keep up our social obligations.
We try to cope up by adopting several defense mechanisms.
Throwing ourselves so deep in work.
Drinking, expecting the senses to go numb.
Traveling.
Indulging in everything that we wouldn't otherwise do .
Just another weapon to fight against our hippocampi, from that painful incident being a long -term last forever memory.

If someone asks me what is my strength..I would say ..resilience.
I pull myself back up. I always do .
This too would make me a stronger person with another test of life passed with grade A.
But if you find a different me till then ...
Don't put your blame on me .
My sense of self preservation is on over drive .
I am only human after all.

Cooking and me

I love holiday baking . I actually love baking any day .But holidays are especially convenient since there are no immediate lesson plans or assignments that need my attention .

I  cook with all my heart . So what I need is absolute peace of mind to whip up something  special. The whole process fascinates me , or even the thought of the process, which involves measuring out the ingredients , mixing them in the correct order , whipping the eggs to a fluffiness or the cream to the required thickness .Then watching the outcome patiently through the glass door of the oven , waiting to see, the gentle rising of the cake , or the bread . The sheer sight of it makes me feel like an expectant  mother  viewing a sonogram.

The only thing we fight about at home is my reluctance to invite my husband’s friends at home for dinner or lunch. My husband calls me asocial and a sociopath. I am not really that , but on a regular weekend , I am not exactly relaxed to cook for people. When I cook, I need to know what you like. I prefer thinking  about the person I am cooking for ; not about the action plan I have to complete for the weekend . For me cooking involves love and passion and if you get an invite from me to dine at home, then you can be sure. Yes, I love you .

 I am an introvert and having friendly conversations with strangers terrifies me . Hence I avoid such situations .No offense meant .

Today I decided to bake cinnamon and raisin bread for dinner. After all, vacation is for unconventional  meals. The aroma and taste of cinnamon bread is to die for .I roll my bread dough tightly with a layer of cinnamon powder and sugar sprinkled, which would give the bread a lovely  brown streak when sliced.

To go along with it, I have my crispy baked chicken which was indeed the fourth item on Phinnaeus vacation baking list .

And here it is .

 

Difficult Choices

I have been extremely proud of the fact that I have always succeeded in giving satisfactory answers to the "whys" and "why nots" thrown at me by my children . Yesterday was an exception .I am yet to give an answer to a nine year old.

The nine-year old in question is none other than my younger son , Phinnaeus.

He is not the kind of person who would sit with books for more than an hour , be it fun reading or studying .His mind is always on an overdrive and hence he needs activity.The only time one would find him patiently concentrating is when he is on one of his creative projects ...drawing , craft, and innovations.

I let him have his way on all days except during examinations.Terminal examinations are a nightmare for me .He loves Science and is alright with English and Mathematics , hence no stress in that front.

Hindi is his bete noire. This time too he refused to study anything other than grammar .

The day of the Hindi exam, we were walking towards the car on our way back from school and I asked him .

"Baby, will you pass in Hindi?

Phin: How much is passing marks ?

Me: 20/50

Phin: Then I am not sure .Paper was very hard.

Me: You should have studied better.

Phin: Momma why do you want me to be expert in everything ? I am good at drawing and Science. Isn't that enough?

I have not found an answer that would satisfy him. I could say "It makes ME HAPPY when you get good marks" or "Your teachers and my friends will compare you with your brother and ask you why you are not scoring like him"

The first answer would be the most selfish thing which I could say because , he would do anything to see me smile , even if it is studying .

Comparison and how to deal with it , is a topic which I would address later .

Our children , most of the times do stuff , just because they do not want us to be disappointed in them .Parents know it very well. We ask them to excel in something , not pausing to think if that is what they really want .And what is our excuse as parents?

"Whatever we do, we do it for you . It is for your own good. You will get a plum job with high salary . We don't need your money anyway ."

This holds true.But isn't there an under current of hypocrisy?

I WILL FEEL PROUD

I WILL FEEL HAPPY

I CAN BOAST BEFORE OTHERS

What if , we let them choose their own path ? They may not always bring success in term of money , but they would be doing something what they are passionate about .

If we do the above and if our children don't succeed, will they turn back and ask" Why did you let me do what I want to do? Why did you not tell me that I am wrong? Why did you not force me to do something which would bring me a secure life ?"

I have no answers. I do not whether to wind the watch or bark at the moon. Trial and Error is the only way left with me .

So I am pushing one of children towards what I think would be good for him and I am waiting in the wings to see, to what extend he would let me do that . I am trying to get him hooked to the picture of his probable future which I am painting for him in fascinating colours .

The other one, I am letting him have his way , and waiting to pull him back on his feet in case he needs me .

In the end , who will LOVE me and who will HATE me for the choices I made or I didn't make for them , only time will tell.

Do We Need All The Modern Trends in Education?

Recently I was having a chat with one of my Grade X students who aspires to pursue a career in Sports on improving his grades and he asked me “ Ma’am how can I work hard for something I am not obsessed with?”
He is right. In our education system , parents and teachers push children where they want them to be. We hardly take the cue from the child and lead him where he wants to go .
How do we best educate the students of tomorrow? Is it really required to accept and implement the latest educational trends? Why can’t I teach them the way I was taught?
How do we best educate the students of tomorrow? What we teach our children – and how we teach them – will impact almost every aspect of society, from the quality of healthcare to industrial output; from technological advances to financial services. The world is racing ahead and hence it is the need of the hour to adapt to keep pace with the bewildering array of possibilities that will shape all of our futures.
What if a class consisted of words that led to information that led to realms of creativity set up just for students, created by students. The students then dictated what they learned instead of reluctantly ingesting information and standards imposed upon them by the education system . The students will follow their passion and dreams and might just learn what they want to learn and actually find success while improving the world around them.
This exists in some of the modern trends . Indian classrooms too have started adapting and evolving, learning to follow the lead of the learner . As of now , this is what everyone clamors for . The long term cons would be revealed only when the learners who learn using the new methods would rule the world .
Will the changing trends encourage wholesome development of the learner? Will it teach life skills necessary for surviving in a society ? Let us keep our fingers crossed and believe that we are building creative, entrepreneurial students and our modern format helps their talents to flourish and take shape ..